The Big Picture: The Beginning 2011
In December 2011, I decided to dust off a script I'd written a decade earlier (called The Beginning), and give it a rather substantial update, adding scenes, and a major subplot, and casting the play primarily with adults (rather than kids, as the original script was intended). The results were very well-received, and besides, it was a boatload of fun.
I was able to flesh out the cast with some terrific people, and was able not only to direct it, but act the lead as well. On paper, that load should have overwhelmed me and robbed any enjoyment out of the process... but instead, it was more fun than any previous year, by far.
We were able to record most of the play using the in-house cameras, with fairly good results. The opening monologue was chopped off, so you'll miss the set-up, unless you scroll down a bit and read the opening. It isn't very long. I've included the text of the entire play, actually, in case the shoddy audio quality is too garbled, and you'd like a better idea of what any particular character is saying.
I hope you the play.
Dave Wagner (Jan 2012)
The Script
The Big Picture: The Beginning 2011
[A desk sits downstage, left. On it is a notebook computer, plus various items and gadgets (Rubic's Cube, hats, costume bits, a guitar, etc.). Pacing near the desk is the WRITER, on a cell phone, in the middle of a phone conversation.]
WRITER: Scary? Are you kidding? "Scary" doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm petrified! I mean, can you believe it? I'm going to be a dad! Me! I don't know if I can handle it. It's such a huge responsibility. Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say, bro. Being a dad comes natural for you, you were always far more mature than I was. You were destined to end up a great dad. Not me. Oh, come on... I'm a goof! I'm still a boy trapped in a grown-up body. What if I mess the kid up? You know how flighty I am sometimes. What if I make a mistake? I don't know, like, drop the kid on its head or something. Or teach it the wrong thing. Yes, I'm calling it an "it"! I don't know if it will be a boy or girl, what am I supposed to say? OK, fine, don't get all worked up. I'm just afraid, that's all. It's a big deal for me. A baby. Sheesh.
Anyway, yeah, I have to go. I have to start working on my latest commission, it's due this week. Yeah, it's another play. You're not going to believe it; I've been hired to rewrite the Bible. Not the whole thing, just the Christmas Story. Yeah, the Nativity part. Well, my client wants to modernize the story, and make it easier for kids to understand. You know, give it a little spice, some humor, strip some of the mystery out of it, bring it up to date. That sort of thing. Yeah, well, it pays the bills. Yeah, sounds tough, but I'll get it done. I've never failed a commission before, I have no doubt I'll bring this one to pass as well. Yeah, like giving birth, right. Very funny. Oh, how you toy with me...
OK, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for calling, bro.
[Hangs up cell, pockets it. Sighs, and sits down at desk, opening up laptop.]
OK, Lord, here we go. I get to take your Nativity story and dress it up for today's kids. Take it down to their level, their mindset, their vocabulary. Where to start? Let's see... [Open's Bible up, flips to Luke while humming an indistinct tune. Checks written notes on a nearby notepad] Where to... start... wait! Almost forgot. I need to get my lucky hat here... [puts on goofy hat] Good, good. Where's my coffee? [moves coffee cup near to hand] There we go. OK. Adjust my chair to the proper height here... [tinkers with hydraulic lift on desk chair a bit] Perfect.
Now, let's see... I guess we'll start with... Zachariah and the Angel. [Picks up the bible, begins to read] OK, so I'll need a narrator here...
NARRATOR: There was in the days of Herod, King of Judaea, a certain priest named Zacharias, of the course of Abia... and his wife was of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. They were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. [ZACHARIAH and ELIZABETH have shuffled onstage and are standing side by side as WRITER finishes sentence]
ELIZABETH: And yet, we have no children.
ZACHARIAH: Yep, she's barren. Righteous, blameless, barren. I know God can do anything, and I've prayed for a son for decades, but I've about given up hope.
ELIZABETH: It just isn't God's will.
ZACHARIAH: Some men would give anything to hear they were going to be a father, young man!
WRITER: OK, I know, I know. Sheesh! Even my imagination is lecturing me! Let's get on with this. OK... [checks Bible again] So, there's an angel in this scene, but no Elizabeth... [Begins to write on laptop]
ZACHARIAH: [Waves wife away] Go on with you. Go on. I'll see you back at the house.
ELIZABETH: Are you sure I can't be in this scene? I'll be quiet. Won't say a word!
ZACHARIAH: Ha. Slim chance of that. No, you get your scene later. Go on. Go tend to the garden or something.
ELIZABETH: Tend to the garden? With these old knees? Ha. [Exits stage right]
WRITER: OK, so Zachariah is in the Temple, burning incense, when an Angel appears beside the altar... in fact, it's Gabriel, I believe. Yep, heavy hitter.
[Enter GABRIEL, striding purposefully, stage left. Stands next to ZECHARIAH]
WRITER: There he is. OK, we need an incense altar of some kind. Let's see... [types on laptop as STAGE CREW #1 comes out, carrying a pedestal. Places it center stage, steps back, waiting] Yeah, I suppose that will work. [STAGE CREW #1 nods and exits] OK, so how should I play this out? Should I keep it serious? Have a little fun with it? This is the first scene, so it will likely set the tenor for the whole play...
OK, well, let's see what it says here in the good ol' King James... Zachariah is burning incense on the altar, and Gabriel appears to him, frightening him. And Gabriel says... [typing on laptop]
GABRIEL: Fear not, Zacharias; for thy prayer is heard...
WRITER: [deleting] Well, first off, let's lose the King James English. No one talks like that anymore, much less kids. In fact, how about this...
GABRIEL: [holds hands up to ZACHARIAH in a calming motion] Dude... chill...
WRITER: Yeah, I don't think that'll work. [deleting, then typing again]
GABRIEL: [New York accent] What, do I look scary to you? Huh? Is that it?
WRITER: Nope. [deleting]
GABRIEL: You're so jumpy, Zach! [claps ZACHARIAH on the shoulder] You should lay off the coffee!
WRITER: Hmm... let's steer it back a bit toward the Book...[typing]
GABRIEL: Don't be afraid, Zacharias. God has heard your prayer. Your wife Elizabeth is going to have a son...
ZACHARIAH: What!?
GABRIEL: You heard me!
WRITER: Whoa, whoops. Got away from me a bit there... [deleting] let's back up here...
GABRIEL: Your wife Elizabeth is going to have a son. You are to name him John.
ZACHARIAH: [pause] Are you sure you've got the right Elizabeth? Kinda short, gray hair, makes a funny noise when she drinks liquids...
ELIZABETH: [Pokes her head on stage] I do not!
ZACHARIAH: This is not your scene! [ELIZABETH disappears again. To GABRIEL again] You saw the gray hair? You do know how old we are, right?
GABRIEL: [points to himself] Angel. Remember?
WRITER: Yeah, this isn't really working for me either [deleting, then typing]
GABRIEL: You are to name him John. He will bring you both great joy, and everyone will rejoice at his birth! God will make him great--
ZACHARIAH: [Interrupting] How great?
GABRIEL: What?
ZACHARIAH: You said great. How great? Will he be a doctor? A lawyer? A priest, like his old man?
GABRIEL: [does a rim-shot noise] Bu-dum-tssshhh!
ZACHARIAH: Thank you! Thank you!
WRITER: Grrrr! No, that's ridiculous. [deleting] Let's try again. [typing]
GABRIEL: He shall be great in the eyes of God, and he'll be filled with the Holy Spirit, even before his birth. And he will turn many people in Israel back to God.
ZACHARIAH: [pause] You're serious, aren't you... a son? After all these years, I'm going to be a dad? Seriously? Come on, who put you up to this? This is a joke, right? Did my brother Zeb arrange this? I'll kill him!
GABRIEL: Nope, it's true.
ZACHARIAH: But how can this be possible? My wife and I are old! I mean, we are really old! What has God been waiting for?
WRITER: Man, Zach, what is so hard to accept about this? God can do anything, right?
ZACHARIAH: Oh, look who's talking, Mr. "I'm Too Scared To Be A Dad." You of all people should know about the vast difference between the idea of something and the reality of it. The idea of wanting a child is all good and great... but actually having a son, though? After all this time?
GABRIEL: [to WRITER] Can I let him have it now? [WRITER shrugs an agreement, and starts typing again] I am Gabriel! I stand in God's very presence. He sent me here Himself to tell you this good news. Therefore, the price for your unbelief will be...
ELIZABETH: [Pokes her head onstage] Make him do the laundry for a month! See how he likes it!
[ZACHARIAH turns to scold his wife, opens mouth, but nothing comes out. He turns back forward, shocked, hand on throat.]
GABRIEL: Nope. You won't be able to speak until your son is born.
ELIZABETH: Even better! [Enters stage, stands next to ZACHARIAH] Come along, honey. [Takes ZACHARIAH by the hand, begins to lead him off stage] Everyone outside was wondering why you were taking so long. I thought maybe you fell over again. They won't believe this. A baby! [ELIZABETH and ZACHARIAH exit, leaving GABRIEL onstage]
WRITER: [takes off "lucky hat"] Grrr! The whole scene is falling apart. This is hard! What a way to start! If I can't get the first scene right, how will I finish the whole play?
GABRIEL: You want me to bring them back out here?
WRITER: Nah, forget it. We'll work on this scene later. [GABRIEL exits, taking pedestal with him. WRITER stands] He's right, of course. Here I am, wallowing in my fear, and at the same time scolding him for not trusting God. If God can make a barren old lady conceive, he can help a goof like me be a good dad. Right? Yeah, right. I know it in my head, but my heart and stomach are still tied in knots. And it's interfering with my work! I know what I need! Food. [Grabs cell phone, dials, waits a moment or two] Giovanni, my good man! I need your help. I am in need of one of your wonderful pizzas! It helps me create! Yes, the usual. Delivered to my secret writer's lair... does your delivery slave remember the secret knock? OK, good. Thank you, my friend! [flips cell phone closed] Nothing gets the ol' creative juices flowing like a little pepperoni.
[Sits back down at desk] OK, let's dive back in, shall we? Try a different hat this time. [grabs another hat, puts it on with a flourish] OK, what have we next? [consults Bible] The Angel Visits Mary. OK, looks like I'll need my angel again. [Enter ANGEL 1 and MARY. WRITER reads from Bible] OK, Narrator says... [Enter NARRATOR]
NARRATOR: In the sixth month, Gabriel was sent by God to Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man named Joseph, of the house of David. Her name was Mary. [MARY curtsies, NARRATOR exits]
WRITER: So, the angel says...
ANGEL 1: Hail, thou that art highly favored, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women.
WRITER: There's that sneaky King James again. Let's try this... [starts typing]
ANGEL 1: Hello, Mary. You are...
WRITER: Let's see... highly favored... hmm, what would he say today? Highly favored... How about...
ANGEL 1: Hello Mary. You are greatly esteemed.
WRITER: Nope, still too stuffy.
ANGEL 1: You're just great!
WRITER: No...
ANGEL 1: You're awesome!
WRITER: No, no...
ANGEL 1: Peachy keen.
WRITER: Please! Get real!
ANGEL 1: Hello, Mary. You are... highly favored.
WRITER: Actually, I kind of like the original. "Highly favored" it is.
ANGEL 1: You are highly favored, and the Lord is with you.
WRITER: OK... "Blessed art thou among women"... Hmmm... [types]
ANGEL 1: You are seriously blessed!
WRITER: No...
ANGEL 1: When it comes to blessings, lady, you take the cake.
WRITER: No...
ANGEL 1: Among women, you are the cats' meow. The bee's knees!
WRITER: Come on... people haven't used those phrases in decades!
ANGEL 1: You are EPIC!
WRITER: No! Think... think... [types]
ANGEL 1: Hello, Mary. You are highly favored, and the Lord is with you. You are truly blessed among all women.
WRITER: Once again, the original sounds good to me. OK... so, the Narrator will say...
[Enter NARRATOR wearing a "Narrator" T-shirt]
NARRATOR: Mary heard the greeting and was bothered by it, wondering what strange type of greeting it was. [exit NARRATOR]
[MARY gets a puzzled expression on her face]
ANGEL 1: Don't be afraid, Mary. You have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive and have a son, and his name will be Jesus. He will be great.
WRITER: And Mary says... [looks at Bible as MARY says...]
MARY: Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it unto me according to thy word.
WRITER: Hmm... let's see... nowadays, she would say... [types]
MARY: I'm your gal!
WRITER: No...
MARY: OK, where do I sign?
WRITER: No...
MARY: Bring it!
WRITER: Come on, man! Let's try not to be disrespectful of the material here. How would she accept the idea? [ponders, then types]
MARY: Behold God's servant. Let it happen according to his will.
WRITER: Fair enough. Probably best not to tamper with perfection there. OK, this will work. So, how will this look? Cue the lights... some soft background music... and...
[ANGEL 1 exits, lights dim, soft Christmas music begins, MARY kneels. Re-enter ANGEL 1, approaches MARY, who sees ANGEL 1 and rises, facing him.]
ANGEL 1: Hello, Mary. You are highly favored, and the Lord is with you. You are truly blessed among women.
NARRATOR: [voice from off-stage] Mary heard the greeting, and was troubled by it, wondering what strange type of greeting it was.
ANGEL 1: Don't be afraid, Mary. You have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive and have a son, and his name will be Jesus. He will be great, and be called the Son of the Highest, and the Lord God will give him the throne of his father David. And he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.
MARY: How can this happen, since I am a virgin?
ANGEL 1: The Holy Ghost will rest upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you. All things are possible with God.
MARY: [ponders for a moment] Behold God's servant. Let it happen according to his will.
[Music stops, lights come back up]
WRITER: OK, that will work, I think. Not much of an update, but it works so well as is.
ANGEL 1: Ahem. "All things are possible with God..." Hmm, who else could that apply to? I wonder…
WRITER: Yes, I know, I heard it. It's still sinking in, give me time, ok?
MARY: [To WRITER] At least you're already married. I mean, what will Joseph say when he finds out about this?
ANGEL 1: Don't worry, I'll talk to him.
MARY: What will you say?
ANGEL 1: I'll say, "Joseph, if you'll marry Mary, you'll be merry."
MARY: Hmm... but what if he's wary? If he parries your query?
ANGEL 1: If he parries my query, Mary, things could get very hairy.
MARY: Very?
ANGEL 1: Very.
WRITER: OK, that's enough of that.
[Exit ANGEL 1 and MARY. WRITER stands, grabs a Rubic's cube and fiddles with it while talking]
WRITER: It's so puzzling, Lord. Becoming a dad should be a piece of cake for me. It's not like you're asking anything challenging of me, I mean, compared to Elizabeth and Mary. Or even to my wife. She's the one who'll have to have the kid grow inside her, not me. She has to carry it around, and go through all the crazy changes to her body, not me. Really, what will change for me in this? Next to nothing. Until the baby arrives, my daily routine will continue as it does now. And yet I still feel all panicky inside, like I'm sliding down a muddy slope toward a ravine or something... I can't figure it out, Lord! [looks at Rubic's Cube in his hands] I can't figure this out either...
[sits again] Well, speaking of Elizabeth and Mary, let's see if I can get their scene to work. Not doing so well on the rewrite so far, let's see if I can do something here. OK, back to Luke we go. [reads from Bible].
NARRATOR: [Enters] Mary arose in those days and went into the hill country with haste, to a city of Judah, and entered the house of Zachariah, and greeted Elizabeth.
WRITER: OK, we need Elizabeth and Mary then. [Enter ELIZABETH and MARY]
Let's see... [starts typing]
MARY: Elizabeth! [they hug]
ELIZABETH: Mary, you came to visit!
MARY: This is so cool. Here, hang on... [takes out her cell phone, stands by ELIZABETH, takes a quick self-portrait picture of the two of them, then starts to hit the buttons on the phone] Here, let me post this to my Facebook... "me... and cousin Elizabeth... hanging out at her place in the hills... we're both pregnant, omg, lol"... send.
WRITER: Well, that's certainly modern... [keeps typing]
MARY: Your husband let me in, but he didn't say much...
ELIZABETH: Don't take it personally, sweetie. Lately he's become the strong, silent type. That'll change once John is born [rubs her stomach]. Then no doubt they'll both compete to see who can be the loudest.
MARY: Can I touch your tummy?
ELIZABETH: Of course!
[MARY kneels, and says "hello" into ELIZABETH's belly]
ELIZABETH: Whoa! He jumped at your greeting!
WRITER: Stop, stop, stop.
[MARY and ELIZABETH stand and face forward]
WRITER: This is ridiculous. They're not a couple of sappy, giggling women. These are strong, capable women! They have to be, based on what God is expecting of them both! No, I need to present these ladies with more steel inside. [starts typing]
ELIZABETH: OK, Mary, listen up. We're gonna go over the ten easiest ways to kill a man with your bare hands. [MARY nods and pounds her fist into her own hand]
WRITER: Whoa, a little too much steel... lemme back it down a bit...
[ELIZABETH is putting MARY into a sleeper hold]
WRITER: Stop! There will be no 'sleeper holds' in this story. [deleting]
[ELIZABETH and MARY stand neutral, facing front again]
WRITER: OK, so, let's set this back up. First, let's get Elizabeth a chair... she is pregnant after all… [STAGE CREW #1 brings a chair out for ELIZABETH, who then sits, facing away from MARY. Exit STAGE CREW #1] Good, good. So Mary shows up at Elizabeth's house, she greets her, Elizabeth is filled with the Holy Spirit, then we have some dialog... [while this is said, MARY and ELIZABETH are acting it out]
ELIZABETH: [stands] Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! [They now face each other, clasping hands]
WRITER: Hmm... should I even try and spruce up that line a bit? I don't know... "blessed is the fruit of your womb"... it's such a classic line. In fact, this whole scene here is holy ground. I'm hesitant to mess with it at all. But I've been hired to modernize it. What should I do?
MARY: I could rap my part.
WRITER: What?
MARY: I'm pretty good with rhymes...
WRITER: You want to RAP... the MAGNIFICOT?
MARY: Sure. I've got mad skillz.
WRITER: Absolutely not. No. Nein. Nyet. Never. Not a chance.
MARY: How about an interpretive dance? I'll need to get my pink top hat and my stuffed toy octopus...
WRITER: Listen to how emphatic my next "no" is going to be... [sighs in frustration] Let's hear what the original text sounds like. Cue the lights, soft music, and...
[Lights dim, soft Christmas music plays, MARY steps forward and delivers the classic Magnificot]
MARY:
My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For he has regarded the lowly state of his maidservant;
for behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed.
For he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.
And his mercy is on those that fear him, from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He has put down the mighty from their thrones, and exalted the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy,
as he spoke to our father, to Abraham and to his seed forever.
[Music stops, lights up.]
WRITER: Absolutely perfect. Just like that. I'm not changing a thing.
MARY: You sure I can’t beatbox a little? The kids will love it…
[WRITER growls]
ELIZABETH: [Walks over to MARY, puts her arm around her shoulder] Come on, Mary. I've got the guest room set up for you. I want you to stay here with us until little John is born.
MARY: 3 months? I don't want to overstay my welcome…
ELIZABETH: Nonsense, dear. It will be nice to have someone around who can actually talk to me...
[Exit MARY and ELIZABETH]
WRITER: [stands, takes off goofy hat, paces] You have to admire those two ladies. They certainly had their act together. Can't say the same for me. Three scenes in, and none of them are anywhere near what I've been hired to do. It's a chocolate mess, all of it. I've never failed a commission before; I'm not going to start now. In fact, I better quote my Affirmation Verses... I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13. Through our God, we shall do valiantly. Psalm 60:12.
[INN KEEPER wanders out on stage while WRITER is reciting the verses]
INN KEEPER: [Interrupting] Oh, sure, only quote the Bible when you need help...
WRITER: What?
INN KEEPER: You quote the scripture when you're in a pinch. What about the rest of the time? Why not then?
WRITER: And who are you?
INN KEEPER: I'm the Inn Keeper. It's time for my scene.
WRITER: [sits back down, looks in Bible] Your scene? Is there a scene with the inn keeper in the nativity story?
INN KEEPER: Nope. Just a quick mention in passing, in Luke 2.
WRITER: Hmm... well, that doesn't mean we can't add the scene...
INN KEEPER: That's what I like to hear. [rubs hands together] OK, let's get this scene rolling...
WRITER: [set Bible aside, starts typing] Why not? OK, let's start with the Narrator, to set the scene...
[Enter NARRATOR]
NARRATOR: In those days, Caesar Augustus gave the decree that all the world should be taxed. So everyone returned to his home town to register.
[Exit NARRATOR, enter MARY (pregnant) and JOSEPH]
WRITER: OK, so, Mary is pregnant and about ready to give birth, and... they're on foot?
MARY: Well, we certainly didn't walk the whole way.
WRITER: But I can't have a donkey on stage. Hmm... how about... [types]
[Enter STAGE CREW #1, hands MARY a "horse head on a stick". She looks at it, then looks up, eyebrows raised]
WRITER: No, that would be silly. [Exit STAGE CREW #1 with horsehead stick thing] I guess we'll say that they just arrived, and she has dismounted already. OK, Joseph goes to check on a room at the inn. Hmm... [types]
[JOSEPH leaves MARY standing stage left, crosses stage to INN KEEPER]
JOSEPH: Hello... are you the Inn Keeper?
INN KEEPER: Well, I'm certainly not King Herod.
WRITER: Hmm. Well, I was told to add some humor. Maybe it will actually work here... [types]
JOSEPH: We just flew in from Nazareth... and boy, are our arms tired!
WRITER: Maybe not. Let's try...
JOSEPH: [motions to MARY] Take my wife... please!
WRITER: Nah. Let's get to the point here...
JOSEPH: Hello, are you the Inn Keeper?
INN KEEPER: Yes, sir.
JOSEPH: We're in desperate need of a room. My wife is having a baby.
MARY: Ask him if they have cable!
WRITER: Delete that. [deleting, typing]
JOSEPH: We're in desperate need of a room. My wife is having a baby.
INN KEEPER: Wish I could help you, sir. But we have no rooms left. Christmas is our busiest time of the year. Unless you have a reservation, you'll have to go elsewhere.
WRITER: Grr. No, I don't think so. Humor doesn't seem to be working here either. Let's try... [types]
INN KEEPER: Well, we have no rooms left in the Inn, but we have a smelly old barn in the back. 29 bucks a night.
JOSEPH: [To INN KEEPER] The barn? Do we look like cattle to you?
WRITER: [stands, paces] It's just not a funny story! How can you take a story this powerful and make it amusing? It's too serious, it's not supposed to be funny. So kids won't watch it if it's not funny? I'm not sure that gives kids today much credit. I can keep it serious, I think... [sits, starts typing]
JOSEPH: Well, can you at least call me a cab?
INN KEEPER: Ok... you're a cab.
WRITER: [sits back, frustrated] The dialog is too hard to write here. Let's wait on that. What will the stage look like?
[Enter STAGE CREW #1 and STAGE CREW #2. They set up a simple manger, center stage, consisting of a couple crates in a semi-circle]
WRITER: No... maybe not center stage. Let's shift it stage right a bit more. [Types as STAGE CREW scoots the manger over a bit stage right] OK, that will work. Hmm... let's try this... [types]
[Stage hands leave, lights dim a bit, soft Christmas music fades in, MARY and JOSEPH leave, then re-enter stage left, INN KEEPER re-enters stage right, and crosses upstage toward MARY and JOSEPH. Joseph helps MARY walk, as they approach the INN KEEPER. The following scene takes place just with music and no dialog. JOSEPH “talks” to INN KEEPER, motioning toward MARY (who is on his arm). INN KEEPER shakes his head, and points to manger, then leads them over, with arms crossed, shrugs shoulders in a kind of “take it or leave it” gesture. Then INN KEEPER walks away. JOSEPH and MARY stand looking at the manger. MARY covers her face and weeps on JOSEPH's shoulder, he consoles her briefly. He helps her sit down. Lights fade, music fades. Then lights come up again, and STAGE CREW #1 & #2 enter to remove the manger scene, and MARY and JOSEPH exit stage left.]
WRITER: You know, I like that scene without dialog. I may just leave it like that. [sits back, grabs guitar, starts softly strumming/picking while talking] I wonder how Joseph handled the idea of becoming a dad? That was his first child, too. I should have asked him when I had the chance. Talk about pressure. Having to raise the Messiah? Are you kidding me? I mean, no doubt my kid will be amazing, Lord, but compared to you? Has there ever been a job for a dad more high pressure than that? Sheesh! Then again, I doubt Joseph was a goof like me. I can't seem to help it, I just see the world oddly, that's all. [cell phone rings, startling him.]
WRITER: [Answers phone, feet on desk, still casually playing guitar] Hi Honey, what's up. You know, working hard. Fingers to the bone, and all that. I think I’m getting calluses. You ok? Need anything? Hmm? That's today? What time? [Looks at watch] OK, sure, I'll be ready by then. Just finishing up a script. Yeah, the Nativity re-write. It's tricky. I thought it would be a piece of cake. Hmm? Yeah, cake does sound good, actually. OK, see you in a bit. Bye, Hun. [closes cell phone, puts down guitar] Back to work! OK, next we have what? [consults notes] Aha. I need me some shepherds...
[starts typing. Enter SHEPHERD 1, SHEPHERD 2, and SHEPHERD 3. They stand in a little group, stage right. Also enter ANGEL 2, standing alone, stage left]
WRITER: OK, where's my Narrator..?
[Enter NARRATOR]
NARRATOR: Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.
[Exit NARRATOR]
SHEPHERD1: Hey guys, did you count the sheep yet?
SHEPHERD 2: I keep trying, but I fall asleep every time.
WRITER: Now that's kinda funny...
SHEPHERD 1: Are you guys ready to cut the wool off the sheep tomorrow?
SHEPHERD 2: It will be a shear pleasure. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
SHEPHERD 1: [rolls eyes] Anyways, we'll be moving the flock in the morning.
SHEPHERD 2: So I heard. Get it? "Herd"?
SHEPHERD 1: [sighs] So, you'll be ready, right?
SHEPHERD 2: Oh, "wool" be ready, all right...
SHEPHERD 1: Don't you ever stop?
WRITER: OK, that's enough of that...
SHEPHERD 3: Gentlemen, I have a question.
WRITER: "Gentlemen"? Too polite. [deletes, types]
SHEPHERD 3: All right, listen up bozos...
WRITER: Too harsh...
SHEPHERD 3: Hey, guys, can I ask you something?
SHEPHERD 2: Sure, what is it?
SHEPHERD 3: You guys ever see an angel before?
SHEPHERD 1: No, why do you ask?
[SHEPHERD 3 motions with thumb over shoulder toward ANGEL 2. They are shocked, and huddle together in fear. WRITER checks Bible]
WRITER: Let's see... in the original it says...
ANGEL 2: Fear not: for I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
WRITER: Hmm... let's tidy that up a bit... [types]
ANGEL 2: Relax fellas...
WRITER: As usual, took it too far... [deletes, types]
ANGEL 2: Don't be afraid. I bring you great news. It will change the world. The Savior has been born tonight in Bethlehem. He is Christ the Lord.
SHEPHERD 1: How will we find him?
ANGEL 2: [hands on hips] I'm getting to that part!
WRITER: Nope, strike that. [deletes, types]
ANGEL 2: He is Christ the Lord. You'll find the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
SHEPHERD 1: "Swaddling clothes"?
WRITER: "Swaddling clothes"? I guess that's what you wear when you want to go swaddle. [shrugs, types] Lemme change that a bit here...
ANGEL 2: You will find the baby wrapped in a warm blanket, lying in a manger.
WRITER: That will work. OK, the Narrator says...
[Enter NARRATOR]
NARRATOR: Suddenly, there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God.
[Exit NARRATOR]
WRITER: Hmm. How do I show a multitude of angels? A painted backdrop? A thousand extras? I know! I'll use music. OK, let's see if this works...
[Exit ANGEL 2, the three SHEPHERDS gather, talking silently among themselves. Stage lights dim. Enter ANGEL 2 again. NARRATOR voice from off stage]
NARRATOR: Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.
[SHEPHERDS see ANGEL and are afraid]
ANGEL 2: Do not be afraid. I bring you great news. It will change the world. The Savior has been born tonight in Bethlehem. He is Christ the Lord! You will find the baby wrapped in a warm blanket, lying in a manger.
NARRATOR: Suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God.
[The Hallelujah Chorus begins playing, as ANGEL 2 spreads his/her arms out majestically. SHEPHERDS look around, in awe. After about 10 seconds of music, ANGEL 2 exits, music fades]
SHEPHERD 3: Quick, let's go to Bethlehem and see this wonderful thing that has happened, which the Lord has shown us!
WRITER: Not bad, not bad.
SHEPHERD 2: Can we sing a song to the new King when we get there?
SHEPHERD 3: I don’t know… Can you read “sheep” music? Nyuk nyuk nyuk…
SHEPHERD 2: Good one!
[Lights up, SHEPHERDS exit, horsing around a bit]
WRITER: Finally! A scene that is almost successful! Man, I feel like such an amateur. I’m just too distracted. I can’t focus. I can’t even flee into my work, like usual, to escape my issues! The whole story is about having babies! Everywhere I turn, it’s thrown back in my face. Lord, I guess that means you want me to face this fear, and conquer it. Hey, I’m game. I just don’t know how to bridge the gap between where I’m at, and where you want me to be. It’s just so frustrating. [consults Bible again]… ok… let’s see what the Wiseman have to say… [starts typing. Enter WISEMAN #1, WISEMAN #2 and WISEMAN #3]
WISEMAN #1: There’s that star again. The King’s Star, you say?
WISEMAN #2: Yes, for the millionth time. That’s the King’s Star. It will lead us to the King. We follow it. It leads us. We end up seeing the new King.
WISEMAN #1: And we give him the—
WISEMAN #2: Yes, the gifts. We give him the gold, the frankincense and the Myrrh.
WISEMAN #1: And what will the baby do with the gold, and… the Myrrh and stuff again?
WISEMAN #2: Oh, his parents will use it to bake him a nice birthday cake…
WISEMAN #1: You don’t have to be so sarcastic. We’ve been on the road for so long.
WISEMAN #2: Yes, we have been traveling a long time. And I’m cranky, foot-weary, saddle-sore and fresh out of enthusiasm. Look, as long as we keep following the star, we’ll be fine.
WISEMAN #3: [To WRITER, who is absorbed in writing] Uh, excuse me? Hello? Why are you writing these guys this way?
WRITER: [Startles, stops typing and glances up] Hmm. Good question. I guess I let my frustration get the better of me. It’s tainting my work. [pause] Gimme a minute. [stands, runs fingers through hair, looks around his desk. Grabs a different hat/prop, tries it on. Discards it, tries another. Discards it again. Does a few jumping jacks.] I can do this. I can beat this thing. [drops and does a couple push-ups] I can be a good dad. I can finish this play. I can succeed in this… I won’t fail. I can’t fail. [starts doing sit-ups]
WISEMAN #1: Sheesh. What’s his problem?
WISEMAN #3: He’s got a lot on his mind.
WISEMAN #2: Ha. Join the club. Does he think he’s the only person with problems?
WISEMAN #3: No, it’s just hard for him. We should have mercy for him.
WISEMAN #2: Well, at least he hasn’t been traveling across the desert wasteland for three months, following a star.
WISEMAN #1: And listening to you complain.
WISEMAN #3: Come on, ease up, will you?
WISEMAN #2: So, he’s going to be a dad. I’ve got 8 kids. It’s no big deal. If they squawk, you send them running to mom. Or throw some cookies at them. What’s hard about that?
WISEMAN #3: Something tells me you’re not a candidate for Dad of the Year this year…
[WRITER is laying on the ground, on his back, arms out, staring at the ceiling at this point]
WISEMAN #1: It’s also the play, I think. He seems to be having trouble. How would you modernize this part of the story?
WISEMAN #2: Well, first, I’d have us traveling by train. Or better, a nice airplane ride. A couple hours in first class, stash the gifts in the overhead bin, get a little shut-eye. Piece of cake. Touch down in Tel Aviv, bypass King Herod altogether, grab a rental car…
WISEMAN #3: Come on… where’s the adventure in that? We’re on a grand quest here! We’re searching for the greatest King who has ever -- or will ever -- live! How many people get to say they’ve been on a grand quest like that? You’d trade that for a quick flight into Tel Aviv?
WISEMAN #2: In a heartbeat. Do I look like Frodo to you? Quests are overrated.
WISEMAN #1: Man, what is wrong with you?
WISEMAN #2: Hey, don’t look at me. I’m part of his imagination like you are. I’m just the bitter, cynical part.
[WRITER sits up and sighs]
WRITER: What on earth do I have to be bitter and cynical about? I mean, I have it easy, Lord! You've blessed me hand over fist! I have a cushy job doing what I love! I have a nice place to work and to live, there’s food in the cupboard, my wife and loved-ones are in good health. And I’m freaking out over being blessed with a new baby? [Stands] Enough nonsense. I have to kick this thing somehow. [Sits at desk, starts typing again. "Rocky" Theme music plays, Exit WISEMAN #2, slump-shouldered. The other WISEMEN wave good riddance to him. Enter WISEMAN #4. When he crosses paths with WISEMAN #2, WM#2 hands his head piece to WISEMAN #4, who puts it on, smiling, and crosses the stage to the other WISEMEN]
WISEMAN #4: OK, gentlemen, let’s get this show on the road! We have a King to find!
WISEMAN #1: All right!! Help from the bench!
WISEMAN #3: That’s what I’m talking about!
WISEMAN #4: So what's the latest? Where are we?
WISEMAN #3: We followed the star to Jerusalem looking for the New King, we talked to Herod, and he sent us toward Bethlehem.
WISEMAN #1: [Pointing] That-a-way.
WISEMAN #4: Got it. That's the star there?
WISEMAN #3: You got it.
WISEMAN #4: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!
[WISEMAN #4 starts to stride off stage left, with a happy WISEMAN #3 in tow. WISEMAN #1 lags behind]
WRITER: Where are you going?! Hold on! I'm finally ready to use you guys! [WISEMAN #3 and #4 leave, ignoring WRITER]
WISEMAN #1: [to fellow WISEMEN as they leave] Wait! Hold up... [turns to WRITER] Are we done here?
WRITER: Yeah, fine, go on. Go find the new King.
[Exit WISEMAN #1]
WRITER: Tell him I said hello. [closes laptop, dejected]
[Knocking, followed by entrance of PIZZA DELIVERY KID]
PDK: Hello? Anyone here order a pizza?
WRITER: Ahh! Saint Giovanni comes through! Over here, lad.
[PDK brings pizza box over, sets it on desk.]
PDK: What are you working on today, Dr. Huckleberry?
WRITER: Ah, you remembered my secret agent name... very good! Remember: A good writer must maintain a proper level of anonymity! It's only prudent.
PDK: Did Benjamin Franklin really say that?
WRITER: He might have...
PDK: So, what are you working on then? Is it a secret, too?
WRITER: Nope. I'm writing a Christmas story. It's a play.
PDK: Cool. Ebenezer Scrooge?
WRITER: Nope, the Nativity story. You know it?
PDK: Of course. Everyone knows that story.
WRITER: You understand the story well enough?
PDK: Sure. God sent his son here to save us. If it wasn't for that, we'd have no hope.
WRITER: [pause] That's your takeaway? What about all the details?
PDK: You mean the angels and shepherds and wisemen and all that?
WRITER: Yeah, and all that. You follow all that ok?
PDK: The details are great. It's an amazing story. But I'm more of a "big picture" person. The King was born, that's the most important part. Why? You're not changing the details, are you?
WRITER: Well...
PDK: Dr. Huckleberry, don't change a bit of it. It's perfect already.
WRITER: [pays PDK] Here you go. Keep the change. Go on. Tell your dad thanks for the pizza. [PDK starts to leave] Hey, wait a second...
PDK: Yes, Doctor?
WRITER: Do you like your dad?
PDK: Of course.
WRITER: What do you like best about him?
PDK: [thinks] That he's there. And that I know he loves me.
WRITER: What about all the details?
PDK: Big picture, Doctor H. Seeya.
[Exit PDK]
WRITER [contemplates for a moment, smiles. Stands, picks up his notebook, looks at it for a few moments. Ceremoniously tosses it in the garbage can. He picks up cell phone, dials, waits] "Please leave a message"... [pause] Hi, Mr. Dunwoody, it is I, your recently-hired playwright. Listen, I really appreciate the job offer to modernize the Nativity story, but I've come to the conclusion that the story is perfect the way it is. It really doesn't need to be updated. Kids understand the story just fine. God got it right the first time. I respectfully withdraw from the project. I wish you luck in finding a new writer, and I bid you good day. [closes phone. Sits back down, opens up laptop, starts typing.]
[Christmas music begins, lights dim. STAGE CREW sets up nativity set again. Nativity actors move into place. MARY (holding baby), JOSEPH enter, taking central place in manger. SHEPHERDS move into position around them. ANGELS take up positions around perimeter. WISEMEN enter and solemnly present gifts. MARY holds the baby up a bit for JOSEPH to admire. Scene holds still and music softens.]
WRITER: [still typing] The... end. [Stops typing] No, wait... [deletes, pauses, stands up]
[WRITER walks into the Nativity set, carefully approaches MARY and motions towards MARY, asking if he may hold the baby. She transfers the baby to him. He holds the baby, looking at it and then says to the audience...]
WRITER: The Beginning.
GABRIEL: For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given.
JOSEPH: The government shall be upon his shoulder. And his name will be called...
SHEPHERD 1: Wonderful.
WISEMAN #3: Counselor.
ANGEL 2: The Mighty God.
MARY: The Everlasting Father.
WRITER: The Prince of Peace.
WISEMAN #4: Of the increase of his government and of peace there shall be no end.
[Music comes back up, remaining actors all come out so everyone is on stage. All bow. Fade to black.]
THE END